“Bring Me To Life”(feat. Paul McCoy) by Evanescence
How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down into my core where I’ve become so numb
Without a soul my spirit’s sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
Before I come undone
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I’ve become
Now that I know what I’m without
You can’t just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
Before I come undone
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I’ve become
Bring me to life
(I’ve been living a lie, there’s nothing inside)
Bring me to life
Frozen inside without your touch
Without your love, darling
Only you are the life among the dead
All this time I can’t believe I couldn’t see
Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul
Don’t let me die here
There must be something more
Bring me to life
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
Before I come undone
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I’ve become
Bring me to life
(I’ve been living a lie, there’s nothing inside)
Bring me to life
***How many of you can relate to feeling like this? Have you ever felt dead inside or numb? This is how I have been feeling and it has been going on since Joanne slammed the door shut on me. It got much worse when my son died…. It’s like I can feel the pain deep down inside but I can’t seem to release it. I can’t seem to find myself, to find my soul and the pieces of me that have fled to hide, to be safe. I have been here before and it always happens when there is some kind of loss and trauma in my life. The meds I take also numb the pain but I can feel that monster lurking under the surface. I know that many people who suffer from mental illness as I do can relate to what I am saying here. Mainly, those who suffer from severe, chronic and crippling depression. For those of you that can’t relate, well here is the explanation that I give to people to help them understand. Severe and chronic depression feels like the person that you loved the most, like ever, has just died and you are ridden with pain, sorrow, loneliness, a deep sadness, a feeling of mourning and of missing someone…. and….. a soul wrenching, deep, deep hopelessness and a feeling of complete isolation. This is depression…. People have told me, “Oh just don’t think that way.” “Oh, don’t feel that way.” “Oh just pick yourself up, get dressed and go to work. You will be fine..” “Why do you CHOOSE to be depressed? It’s a choice yah know.” The list goes on and on….
Many people who have a normal brain, understand sadness, sure… but they don’t get what depression is. After a while and I’m talking, after a year or two has passed and you are still in the pit of despair, a certain kind of depression sets in where you become almost zombie like, numb and disconnected from self, from people and just from life itself. It’s a feeling of loosing ones self in darkness. The medication makes it easier to cope, yet harder to feel the deep sorrow that one needs to feel in order to fully grieve. Taking medication is like a catch 22. Damned if you do take it because it makes you numb and damned if you don’t take it because then life becomes unbearable. When I am passionate about someone, like, when I am in love, I love with my entire soul. I feel very deeply and the feeling of love for another is a feeling of pure joy, rapture, ecstasy, and beautiful, blissful unity (becoming one with another.) I have been told many times to tone it down. I feel that I am often misunderstood and people find my energy to be too intense. My energy is misinterpreted and seen as some kind of a threat, so people back away and sometimes keep me at arms length, or cut me off for good. I am told to be more “professional” in my life coaching business and to be more neutral and even ultra positive but if I did that, I would be living a LIE and I don’t want to lie to my clients or to anyone.
I want to be as REAL as I can be and to be real is to be VULNERABLE and OPEN. I hate concealing things. If I could be an open book, then I would be but this world can be a harsh and unforgiving place, so I omit things. People think I just say whatever and that I have no filter but I have to keep many things to myself for my own safety. I love all of you but I love myself too, so I omit certain things from being displayed online publically. I just went off on a tangent. :) Lol. So I was talking about depression and trying to help you to understand what it’s like.
I believe that most people who suffer from depression are highly sensitive souls, who feel very deeply, are passionate, compassionate, and empathetic. We are very loving and forgiving by nature and it can backfire when people abuse us, use us and pulverize our hearts under their steel boots. Many people like myself have had to build up walls around our soft, mooshy, warm hearts. At times I overcompensate and become very cold, very mean, harsh, narcissistic, and vicious but I am like a wolf trying to defend itself and trying to survive. Wolves are intense and often seen as savage and vicious but that is one side of the wolf. Wolves are also very protective of their young, extremely loyal, love family and friends (their pack) and always stay connected to their packs through communication.(howling). The female Alpha of the pack (Me) loves fiercely and will keep the pack together. The Alpha keeps it all running smoothly. When something is wrong, the Alpha will fix it. I can relate to the wolf so much. This is def a part of me (the female Alpha spirit of the wolf).
So…. What I am getting to is that people like myself feel love and pain deeply. It’s because I know that I feel deeply, that is grieves my spirit to know that the real me (my soul’s essence) is buried under so much rubble and debris. I often find myself stumped to figure out how to unearth my soul, even though I have done it before many times. It must be because I die (like a phoenix) and am reborn as a new me. It’s a constant cycle of death and rebirth and each time, I have to take a new road to unearth my soul again. Sometimes when I blog, I forget that not everyone understands the language of the spirit/soul. Sometimes it is like a foreign language to some people. Many people in our modern world have lost touch with their own soul, with their higher selves. We forget that we are souls inhabiting a physical body (our vehicle) here on earth (our ordinary reality). We forget that our bodies are just vehicles and that our souls are eternal. When out bodies (our shells) die, we do not cease to exist but we continue to live on in a spiritual realm.
I call myself a Christian, so many of my viewpoints are coming from a Christian perspective but I am also very drawn to Shamanism, so I blend the two together. It has been very difficult because Shamanism is Paganism and shunned by Christians. Yet, I continuously find myself drawn back to Shamanism time and time again. I am working on creating a harmony between the two, thus a harmony within my own soul. I believe that we are eternal beings (as I said before) and I believe that we either go to a place of pure bliss or a place of pure darkness. I do not believe that people can be wicked and cruel and go to a better place when they leave this earth. God does punish people…. I have always felt a connection to God and I want to live my life in a way that is pleasing to Him.
Depression can often make me feel lazy and unproductive…. I pray to God to give me strength and to keep my mind right. I have to keep my mind and thoughts in check, otherwise I can fall into a deep depression. Yet, sometimes the depression is inevitable and it comes and swamps me with or without my permission. Honestly, God is the reason I am here and that I did not commit suicide years ago. Jesus Christ taught me what love is…. Love for myself, love for others and the love that God has for me and all of humanity. He has taught me the greatness within me comes from HIM and to humble myself in that greatness. It’s easy to get a big head if I am not careful! Lol! :) I mean…. I am just a mere human being and all the glory really goes to G O D.
Hmmmmm, so what is my point here? I suppose my main point comes to this….. God made us in His image, so we ARE beautiful because of HIM. God loves us with all of our imperfections and He has a plan for each and every one of us. He gives us all spiritual gifts if we let Him in. If we allow Jesus into our hearts and live for Him. It’s not a cake walk either. Being a Christian is a path of selflessness and obedience to our Lord and savior Jesus Christ. I have trouble with the obedience part, Lord help me. :) I do want to do what is right and what is good.
I think many of us are trying to do the best we can in this life. We all have different religions, spiritual paths, or no spiritual or religious path at all. In my opinion… You don’t really know what is on the other side until you get there. We are just guessing as to what the right path is. As a Christian, I do not know what is on the other side (the afterlife) because I have never been there. I believe in God’s word (The Holy Bible) and believe in a Heaven and a Hell but…… I will not know what’s in the spirit world until I cross over. No one really knows, unless maybe they have had an NDE.
Look, I went off on yet another tangent. Oops! :-p So, back to my point, we are all beautiful in our imperfections. People with mental illness are beautiful in God’s eyes, through Him and He loves us. He loves everyone…. I try to remind myself of this. With God’s love, I can make it in this world. All that I ultimately need is God and that is it. Period.
I became a life coach because I want people to see how beautiful they are, their potential and the greatness that God has instilled within them. I want to help people unearth their soul’s truest and highest essence and do what they were meant to do on this earth. Through God’s help and helping myself to heal, I can in turn, help YOU. I am a work in progress….. I share openly with you and am authentic with you. I am vulnerable to help you to heal and myself as well. I am here to show you that the things you feel are ugly sin and purely detestable within yourself, can be transformed into a beautiful golden ray of sunshine, if you let God in to work His miracles in your heart. :) This is why I made my life coaching business Christ centered (heart centered) because He is truly the only way to heal. He is love and light. God IS L O V E and He can heal you. I am just an open vessel for The Holy Spirit. That is all.
I am here to serve YOU. I look forward to the day when I will be able to coach a client. I pray to the Lord that this day will come, whenever that is. Well folks, I am signing off for the night. Take care and may God bless you.
Love,
Chrystyana