I have made the decision that I am going to do my very best to be as healthy as I can be; mind, body and soul. It is not always easy for me and I do struggle almost every day to be the person that I want to be. Mental illness, severe insomnia and sleep apnea make life much more difficult that most people realize. You really have to experience it to fully understand it all. I believe that I am a very real, authentic and genuine person. I am also very honest and don't like to lie. I strive to make compassion, love and empathy an everyday practice. I don't want to just practice it.... I want to BE those things and make them permanent, embedded characteristics within my soul. I recognize the beauty within my soul and all of the wonderful things about who I am and my character. Many people have said many hurtful things about me, including mental health "professionals" who swear they know me but they really don't. Like my friend once told me, "what other people think of you is none of your business." I agree with her, don't you? :)
I have been struggling to find a healthy balance within myself and also my life coaching business. Well, with everything actually. For several years I felt that I was getting back on track, even though I had some hard times along the way. I felt that my meds were effective and that I was managing my mental health pretty well. Then, the love of my life broke my heart and could not love me as I loved her. Then, my son passed away...... So my meds no longer worked and even with strong medication, I struggle to get solid sleep and have a hard time wearing my c pap for my sleep apnea. Perhaps sharing so openly and blunty will harm my chances in bringing in some life coaching clients? I think it has but I refuse to conform to all of the rules just to make some money and I HAVE to be authentically me. I believe this is how God made me.
So folks.... I am going to REALLY PUSH myself to be the best me possible and.... I'm going to break some rules too and not conform to the rules and restraints that society and religion has placed on me. For the rest of this year, I plan on experiencing things spiritually that fall outside of the realm of traditional, old school Christianity. I waver a lot, which is something that I would like to erase from my own character. One minute I am an old school, by the book (Holy Bible) Christian and the next minute, I am a New Ager, interested in the occult, Wicca and the love of nature and it's elements. I feel a very strong connection to the moon and water. I am also very drawn to fire.... I miss my walks and bike rides to the snake river, sitting by the river and soaking up the sunlight AND the moonlight. One night, I made love to my son's father right by the river, under the moonlight and it was an incredibly magic and powerful experience. The moon seems to charge my batteries and makes me feel very alive and sensual. It's a wonderful feeling!
What do you relish from mother earth? I love the connection with her, which is why I am so drawn to Wicca and Shamanism. Will I go to hell for practicing and believing in these things? The Holy Bible tells me yes, I will but I can't seem to fully conform to the Christian lifestyle. One of the issues is that I have to deny myself of any kind of sexual experience until I am married, which is unrealistic, in my opinion. I am a highly sexual, passionate and sensual woman. Is this bad? I don't think so.... Is it wrong to have Christian, Shamanic and Wiccan beliefs? I don't think so...... As long as I continue to practice love, empathy and compassion, then I am ok. I refuse to practice any kind of dark magic, or anything dark because I don't want to be that person.
Look, I am jumping all over the place AGAIN, lol :) I want to take a writing class to get better at blogging! I am trying to relate to you all and I realize that I need to work on this. I will get back to you all soon!
Love,
Your Life Coach
Chrystyana :)