Forgot to Mention....

Sometimes I don't realize what I wrote! Lol :) In my last blog I mentioned someone named Joanne. I have talked about her a great deal in my dream journal/blog. I try to NOT get into that stuff too often, on my pages specifically made for my life coaching clients and possible clients. I have received some backlash by discussing her and also for just being plain old, "too open and raw." Hey.... People always have something to say right? I do care what others think and feel but not enough to keep quiet and shut me up. :) Just saying..... Lol. I try to offer people some anonymity when I blog about them but sometimes..... It's easy to figure out who I am talking about for various reasons. After all, we live in the age of social media and the internet, so things get out there in public. Oh well... I hope and pray that you can all appreciate me as I am in all of my FREAKY glory! :-D I love being a unique individual, don't you? A friend of mine, Sarah is a wonderful writer and life coach who often talks about us FREAKS with loads of love and admiration. She feels that freaks are awesome people and so do I! :) I am always inspired by her work and her words. She is very gifted and people really gravitate to her, so she is a successful life coach and writer, and also happens to be a Shaman, among many other great things. The lesson that I am brought back to time and time again, is to be authentically ME. My soul knows what it wants, so I just have to listen to it. I encourage all of you to get outdoors and just stare at a lake, a tree or something in nature. Meditate on a question and ask your soul that question. Ask God that question too and listen within yourself for the answer.
When the answer comes to you and it will, let your ego fade away and just go with that gut instinct. That first answer that comes to your mind and heart will often be the RIGHT answer that you have been looking for. This is what a life coach teaches you to do, to trust yourself and to know that the answers you seek are within you. You already know! I would like to work with you but if you would rather not, that's cool! You can heal yourself and coach yourself by doing what I just mentioned here. There is nothing complicated or complex to being your own coach. A lot of coaches make it sound complex but honestly, the more simple it is, the better. Take a walk with God and just chat for a while... You can talk to Him like a friend.... He will answer what you can not answer for yourself. Ironically, sometimes the best way to receive an answer that you have been searching for is to NOT search for it at all. Then.... BAM! Suddenly the answer pops up in an unexpected way! That's the fun part! Even if it takes years to figure something out, enjoy the ride and the journey!
Sending out love from me 2 U
Love,
Your Life Coach, Chrystyana

“Bring Me To Life”(feat. Paul McCoy) by Evanescence
How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down into my core where I’ve become so numb
Without a soul my spirit’s sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
Before I come undone
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I’ve become
Now that I know what I’m without
You can’t just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
Before I come undone
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I’ve become
Bring me to life
(I’ve been living a lie, there’s nothing inside)
Bring me to life
Frozen inside without your touch
Without your love, darling
Only you are the life among the dead
All this time I can’t believe I couldn’t see
Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything
Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul
Don’t let me die here
There must be something more
Bring me to life
(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
Call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
Bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
Before I come undone
(Save me)
Save me from the nothing I’ve become
Bring me to life
(I’ve been living a lie, there’s nothing inside)
Bring me to life
***How many of you can relate to feeling like this? Have you ever felt dead inside or numb? This is how I have been feeling and it has been going on since Joanne slammed the door shut on me. It got much worse when my son died…. It’s like I can feel the pain deep down inside but I can’t seem to release it. I can’t seem to find myself, to find my soul and the pieces of me that have fled to hide, to be safe. I have been here before and it always happens when there is some kind of loss and trauma in my life. The meds I take also numb the pain but I can feel that monster lurking under the surface. I know that many people who suffer from mental illness as I do can relate to what I am saying here. Mainly, those who suffer from severe, chronic and crippling depression. For those of you that can’t relate, well here is the explanation that I give to people to help them understand. Severe and chronic depression feels like the person that you loved the most, like ever, has just died and you are ridden with pain, sorrow, loneliness, a deep sadness, a feeling of mourning and of missing someone…. and….. a soul wrenching, deep, deep hopelessness and a feeling of complete isolation. This is depression…. People have told me, “Oh just don’t think that way.” “Oh, don’t feel that way.” “Oh just pick yourself up, get dressed and go to work. You will be fine..” “Why do you CHOOSE to be depressed? It’s a choice yah know.” The list goes on and on….
Many people who have a normal brain, understand sadness, sure… but they don’t get what depression is. After a while and I’m talking, after a year or two has passed and you are still in the pit of despair, a certain kind of depression sets in where you become almost zombie like, numb and disconnected from self, from people and just from life itself. It’s a feeling of loosing ones self in darkness. The medication makes it easier to cope, yet harder to feel the deep sorrow that one needs to feel in order to fully grieve. Taking medication is like a catch 22. Damned if you do take it because it makes you numb and damned if you don’t take it because then life becomes unbearable. When I am passionate about someone, like, when I am in love, I love with my entire soul. I feel very deeply and the feeling of love for another is a feeling of pure joy, rapture, ecstasy, and beautiful, blissful unity (becoming one with another.) I have been told many times to tone it down. I feel that I am often misunderstood and people find my energy to be too intense. My energy is misinterpreted and seen as some kind of a threat, so people back away and sometimes keep me at arms length, or cut me off for good. I am told to be more “professional” in my life coaching business and to be more neutral and even ultra positive but if I did that, I would be living a LIE and I don’t want to lie to my clients or to anyone.
I want to be as REAL as I can be and to be real is to be VULNERABLE and OPEN. I hate concealing things. If I could be an open book, then I would be but this world can be a harsh and unforgiving place, so I omit things. People think I just say whatever and that I have no filter but I have to keep many things to myself for my own safety. I love all of you but I love myself too, so I omit certain things from being displayed online publically. I just went off on a tangent. :) Lol. So I was talking about depression and trying to help you to understand what it’s like.
I believe that most people who suffer from depression are highly sensitive souls, who feel very deeply, are passionate, compassionate, and empathetic. We are very loving and forgiving by nature and it can backfire when people abuse us, use us and pulverize our hearts under their steel boots. Many people like myself have had to build up walls around our soft, mooshy, warm hearts. At times I overcompensate and become very cold, very mean, harsh, narcissistic, and vicious but I am like a wolf trying to defend itself and trying to survive. Wolves are intense and often seen as savage and vicious but that is one side of the wolf. Wolves are also very protective of their young, extremely loyal, love family and friends (their pack) and always stay connected to their packs through communication.(howling). The female Alpha of the pack (Me) loves fiercely and will keep the pack together. The Alpha keeps it all running smoothly. When something is wrong, the Alpha will fix it. I can relate to the wolf so much. This is def a part of me (the female Alpha spirit of the wolf).
So…. What I am getting to is that people like myself feel love and pain deeply. It’s because I know that I feel deeply, that is grieves my spirit to know that the real me (my soul’s essence) is buried under so much rubble and debris. I often find myself stumped to figure out how to unearth my soul, even though I have done it before many times. It must be because I die (like a phoenix) and am reborn as a new me. It’s a constant cycle of death and rebirth and each time, I have to take a new road to unearth my soul again. Sometimes when I blog, I forget that not everyone understands the language of the spirit/soul. Sometimes it is like a foreign language to some people. Many people in our modern world have lost touch with their own soul, with their higher selves. We forget that we are souls inhabiting a physical body (our vehicle) here on earth (our ordinary reality). We forget that our bodies are just vehicles and that our souls are eternal. When out bodies (our shells) die, we do not cease to exist but we continue to live on in a spiritual realm.
I call myself a Christian, so many of my viewpoints are coming from a Christian perspective but I am also very drawn to Shamanism, so I blend the two together. It has been very difficult because Shamanism is Paganism and shunned by Christians. Yet, I continuously find myself drawn back to Shamanism time and time again. I am working on creating a harmony between the two, thus a harmony within my own soul. I believe that we are eternal beings (as I said before) and I believe that we either go to a place of pure bliss or a place of pure darkness. I do not believe that people can be wicked and cruel and go to a better place when they leave this earth. God does punish people…. I have always felt a connection to God and I want to live my life in a way that is pleasing to Him.
Depression can often make me feel lazy and unproductive…. I pray to God to give me strength and to keep my mind right. I have to keep my mind and thoughts in check, otherwise I can fall into a deep depression. Yet, sometimes the depression is inevitable and it comes and swamps me with or without my permission. Honestly, God is the reason I am here and that I did not commit suicide years ago. Jesus Christ taught me what love is…. Love for myself, love for others and the love that God has for me and all of humanity. He has taught me the greatness within me comes from HIM and to humble myself in that greatness. It’s easy to get a big head if I am not careful! Lol! :) I mean…. I am just a mere human being and all the glory really goes to G O D.
Hmmmmm, so what is my point here? I suppose my main point comes to this….. God made us in His image, so we ARE beautiful because of HIM. God loves us with all of our imperfections and He has a plan for each and every one of us. He gives us all spiritual gifts if we let Him in. If we allow Jesus into our hearts and live for Him. It’s not a cake walk either. Being a Christian is a path of selflessness and obedience to our Lord and savior Jesus Christ. I have trouble with the obedience part, Lord help me. :) I do want to do what is right and what is good.
I think many of us are trying to do the best we can in this life. We all have different religions, spiritual paths, or no spiritual or religious path at all. In my opinion… You don’t really know what is on the other side until you get there. We are just guessing as to what the right path is. As a Christian, I do not know what is on the other side (the afterlife) because I have never been there. I believe in God’s word (The Holy Bible) and believe in a Heaven and a Hell but…… I will not know what’s in the spirit world until I cross over. No one really knows, unless maybe they have had an NDE.
Look, I went off on yet another tangent. Oops! :-p So, back to my point, we are all beautiful in our imperfections. People with mental illness are beautiful in God’s eyes, through Him and He loves us. He loves everyone…. I try to remind myself of this. With God’s love, I can make it in this world. All that I ultimately need is God and that is it. Period.
I became a life coach because I want people to see how beautiful they are, their potential and the greatness that God has instilled within them. I want to help people unearth their soul’s truest and highest essence and do what they were meant to do on this earth. Through God’s help and helping myself to heal, I can in turn, help YOU. I am a work in progress….. I share openly with you and am authentic with you. I am vulnerable to help you to heal and myself as well. I am here to show you that the things you feel are ugly sin and purely detestable within yourself, can be transformed into a beautiful golden ray of sunshine, if you let God in to work His miracles in your heart. :) This is why I made my life coaching business Christ centered (heart centered) because He is truly the only way to heal. He is love and light. God IS L O V E and He can heal you. I am just an open vessel for The Holy Spirit. That is all.
I am here to serve YOU. I look forward to the day when I will be able to coach a client. I pray to the Lord that this day will come, whenever that is. Well folks, I am signing off for the night. Take care and may God bless you.
Love,
Chrystyana

G R E A T N E S S

First off, I want to wish you all a very Happy New Year! :D I really have no idea who checks out this blog but I certainly hope that I have some regulars that read my blog! I don’t know if I mentioned this before but I actually got some feedback from a friend that I should make my posts more neutral and not so emotionally charged. I thought about that for a long time and came to the conclusion that some people will appreciate and even like my openness and some will not really care for it. Sure, if I was more “professional” I would prob have some clients by now (for life coaching) but I refuse to sacrifice my authenticity for the sake of conforming to the standards of America’s small business owners.
I am constantly refining myself though but I try to not give up my own unique and authentic nature during that process of refinement. I made a post recently, on my Facebook business page about just being yourself. I think that some of us are weirder, like myself and even socially awkward (me again) lol :) but have come to the realization that this is what makes me special! Yes, I said it! SPECIAL! Some people frown upon it when I say that I am special but I am and I recognize my own beauty and awesomeness! There’s nothing wrong with that kind of confidence, just as long as you don’t get conceited! :)
I mean, I do get insecure…. I often worry that I will look like a moron cuz I am not the best writer and I seriously need someone to proofread my blogs and online posts but I just do it anyways cuz I enjoy sharing with my audience! Plus, there is so much power and beauty in our imperfections! When we can finally embrace our flaws and see them as beautiful, we have achieved a higher level of greatness within ourselves! Why not feel that you are great? Why not feel that you are special? Why? You have every right to feel special, great, wonderful, fantastic, etc…. There is nothing wrong with it!
I am writing this because I want everyone to bypass the mean people that tell you negative things about yourself. Yes, it can hurt really bad when people say things just to cut you down, or maybe not even to cut you down but just because they are not thinking too much about how it makes YOU feel. I dealt with this on too many occasions and a lot of it surrounded my mental health. I think I was misunderstood and sometimes people understood but they shunned me and condemned me. Yes…. It hurts really, really bad but as time went by, those chains broke one by one. It’s like…. As each year goes by, another link in the chain breaks and I’m freer and freer. A dear friend of mine would repeat this phrase to me often, “What people think of me is none of my business.” That really stuck in my head!
I mean… Really? What business is it of mine to know what people think and feel about me, when it’s something that is negative and does not lift me up? Yup! It is none of my business! People think that their reality has become my own but it has NOT become my own! Too many people think I’m a monster but I know that this is not true. I have made mistakes and done awful things in my past but all that makes me is HUMAN. Every single human being on this planet has the capability for great evil and great good in this world. Which one do you choose?
I choose good because evil and darkness only makes you a very miserable person. So does revenge and saying hurtful, awful things to people, which I have done. I don’t want to do that to people. When I hurt them, I ALWAYS end up hurting myself at the same time! It’s not worth it…. As I grow and mature, I refine myself to bring out the BEST me that there is. I have suffered from depression and anxiety for years, so it can be hard to see the real me shine but I still do, regardless! I can accept myself and see the greatness in me because God sees that in me. I can forgive myself because God forgives me. I don’t think this life would be worth living if it were not for God and His love, forgiveness and grace.
We are all made in God’s image. Now, when I say that you can be confident and see how amazing you really are, that does not mean that I am encouraging arrogance, a conceited nature and boasting. I feel that you can see that inner greatness without roaring like a lion. If you are confident, you will not need to constantly tell people how incredible you are! Lol :)
For those of us that are Christians, we need to practice a humble attitude. This reminds me of Moses, actually. He was humble, yet he believed in his greatness because God did. What Moses did was to glorify God, yes…. but Moses had to build up his confidence to do this work on the Lord’s behalf. The great thing about Christianity is that we try to give the glory to God and not hoard it for ourselves! :) In this “all about me” world, it can be difficult to remember that! I think we can ALL learn from the beautiful teachings of Christ. You don’t have to be a Christian to benefit and grow from what He taught us.
I always loved Christ’s compassionate and empathetic nature. I try to emulate Him and when I fail, I just try again. This brings me to another point. We can all be compassionate, empathetic and kind while having boundaries at the same time. Being Christ like does not equal-doormat. It does not equal, helping people when you can’t help yourself and giving until you are depleted of your own energy. You have to reserve some of that love for yourself too. Give yourself permission to be human ad to mess up. No one is perfect. Remember that God made you unique and there will never be another person that is exactly like you. God gives us all spiritual gifts/a gift. God will lead you to discovering that gift. It’s like having a divine spark within your soul. People can see God working through you. They might even really like you and not realize that this is God working in you and through you. It’s really a beautiful thing! :)
I pray that God will bless you and that He will use me as an open vessel to share good things  with you and the gospel. I want to allow God to work though me, teaching what true love, compassion and empathy is and to share that with you! I am a work in progress! Blessings and have a Happy New Year filled with love and sweetness!
Love,
Chrystyana